Dear Mr D, what an enlightening conversation we had online the other day. I’m very happy that you took the time to explain to me how women need to cut men some slack. Testosterone certainly sounds like a real bastard! That bloody hormone, eh? It makes males horny and just want sex, so they can’t be blamed for doing shitty things in the pursuit of getting their end away. It makes sense now why they send degrading sex texts to women they barely know. Having a hard-on is a legitimate excuse for gross behaviour, you tell me, because having a hard-on is just so damn ….. well, hard.
It’s wonderful how we’re never too old to learn something new – like males can’t help what testosterone makes them do. Actually, that’s not new, but I thought that one was dead and buried, but seems like it was just me who thought that. So, there you go, I learned something new. Oh, and I learned how doing various types of unwanted shitty sex stuff to numerous women, and making the world an unsafe place for them was okay, because of the one in a million chance that one woman might be okay with it.
Then the “whatabouts” started. Here’s my advice about the whatabouts – forget about the whatabouts. We’ve all got a whatabout list as long as our arms. We could fire whatabouts at each until doomsday, and still not be finished.
I understand how the world’s a tough place for blokes who aren’t getting sex, and that women hold all the sex power, because that was another thing you told me. I get that you’re confused and angry because women won’t play the game according to your rules. So, to help you out a bit, I’ve put together a wee list of ‘rules’ about life, love, and women. It’s not comprehensive, and if you follow them I can’t guarantee you’ll get more sex, but at least you might not be as much of an arse. This is a good thing.
- First, treat women like people – i.e with regular human respect.
- Five minutes of treating them like people isn’t a long enough time to start bringing sex into it, whether or not you have a bad case of testosterone-rising. True, there are exceptions to this, but regardless, first treat women like people.
- Whatever you think of a woman, or women, let your character be the decider of your behaviour, not your dick. Your good character is precious, treat it like a treasure. Your dick may be precious, too, but your good character says more about you.
- Your erection is yours, it belongs to you. No-one else has to take responsibility for it. Nothing women do, wear, or say makes them responsible for your hard-on. It’s all yours.
- Snogging is not automatically step one to sex, no matter how heavy-duty it gets. Snogging is just snogging. Sex may follow, but it’s not a given.
- Just because a woman does have sex with you doesn’t mean she actually wants to have sex with you. She may have felt uncomfortably pressured and possibly threatened, and then decided that it was just the safest way to get herself out of there as fast as possible. There could be unpleasant consequences to this afterwards.
- You’re not entitled to a return on your investment – i.e. sex – if you spend money on a woman.
- Don’t resort to sexual threats and name-calling as soon as you start having an argument with a woman. Whilst it’s intimidating, which is what it’s designed to be, it’s also pathetic that that’s all you’ve got.
- Don’t power-game sex where it’s not wanted – catcalling, unasked-for dick pics, uninvited gross texts, rubbing up in clubs and public transport, rape – you know what I’m talking about. Power-gaming sex is for those who only feel strong when they believe that they’re disempowering someone else. Yeah, real tough.
- Don’t speak to a woman on the street, or to any woman you don’t know, in a way that you wouldn’t like a man in prison speaking to you.
- Did I mention that women are people? They are not obligated to be receptacles for your jizz. That’s called a condom. Learn the difference, and maybe women will like you for it.
- Being a nice guy as a strategy for popularity seldom works. You don’t have to be perfect, just be a decent guy. That means being decent to yourself, too.
- The rules of life and love seldom follow ‘the rules’. Just when you think you know the rules, someone breaks them. Don’t sulk for too long. When you’ve finished sulking, learn from it, even from the lousy stuff, then draw a line under it.
- We’re all feckin confused – not just men about women, or vice versa – but try and rise above being an arse, anyway.
Header pic by Tamara Gore.