I swear that that last super full moon did some serious woo-woo on me. I’m sitting at my (organic, cruelty-free) hairdresser’s, flicking through a Womankind magazine, and thinking not-very-deep thoughts. Then, a sentence that I was to spend the remainder of my day having a existential experience over, jumped out at me. It hit me square between the eyes. The article I was reading spoke of the gremlins at the end of our beds, that start up at us when we wake up in the morning. My morning gremlins don’t actually say much, except swear words when the alarm goes off, and encouragement to just close my eyes for a few more seconds. They’re a bit naughty, but not too obstructive. The gremlins that take over for the day shift have a bit more to say, though. However, the gremlins in this article were bad boys (only referring to them as ‘boys’ for the alliteration effect), and said lots of things to ensure that their person got a really crappy start to the day. The one that got me a belter between the eyes, was the one who went “Whine, whine, whine ….. I don’t want to go out into the world, it’s too big for me.”
Suddenly, I could literally feel those fears that had had a ball with a good part of my life, getting explained down into the one little phrase of “it’s too big for me”. Now, apart from having the epiphany of epiphanies, it cleared a helluva lot of chatter out my one and only head. Here was all I needed to know about my failure to be an astronaut in one succinct sentence. All the other bad-me talk was now redundant. The fears that had skewed my perspective on more things than I have fingers and toes, got down-sized from a team of trouble makers, into just one lone trouble maker. Hell, one trouble maker was easy to deal with, compared to the gang that I was used to. Just why I had a gang of trouble makers in my head is one rabbit hole I’m not going down. I’m gloriously and thankfully at an age where I no longer care about ‘sorting myself out’, whilst still getting a thrill at unexpected bursts of enlightenment.
When those words “it’s too big” make themselves heard now, guess what my first reaction is? I immediately want to challenge them! Far from feeling threatened or over-powered, I want to challenge the daylights out of them, and ask why and what makes it too big. It might still throw up the litany of fears that I’m well acquainted with, but I find myself challenging those fears right back. Who do they think they are, telling me what is too big for me. It left a lot of space in my head to …… I dunno, think about being a whole lot more interesting to myself, maybe.
Don’t get me wrong, though. I have faced down some big challenges in my life, and taken on some daunting deeds. I have had both successes and failures to date, and I expect I’ll have more. I’m in a pretty good place in my life now, and I expect that to only get better. Of course, the gods – who love to have the last laugh – may have other plans for me, but I’ll cross that bridge if I come to it. But I’m also aware of those things I haven’t done, because my fears told me that they were too big for me. Fears are nothing to be ashamed of – judicial use of them keeps us safe, and adds to our smarts. However, those things which I would have loved to have done, but didn’t do because my fears said “whoa – hold on there, that’s way too big and scary for you” – they’re the ones I just might like to have a shot at throwing the magic words at – “you’re not too big” – and see what happens now. Going to the moon as an astronaut might be off my agenda these days, and no amount of magic words will make that happen, but it’s not impossible that I might still get there one day.
One of the things I have come to realise, is that I’ve just gotta get sneaky with myself sometimes. Instead of trying to discover the reason why I impose limitations on myself, finding a phrase or a picture that sneaks me past the gatekeepeers-of-limitations works for me. I like the quick fix, not the slow fix. After all, time’s of the essence, now. Admittedly, a slow fix can help us discover deep-rooted causes, and this may be good for some and in some instances, but for me, discovering the reason doesn’t always matter. It’s not about burying a problem, it’s about acknowledging it, and then finding the quickest way to get past it. We really don’t have to fix everything in our lives. Too much fixing does my head in now. I’m done with angst. I just wanna have a life that works for me, and isn’t defined by gremlins.
Amazingly, the woo-woo didn’t just stop there. A couple more zingers came my way around this super full moon time. I’ve been feeling pretty stoked with them all, and whether they’re really attributable to the super full moon, or not, I don’t care. It’s all good magic to me.
***The last super full moon was on 20th Feb. The technical term for a Supermoon is perigee-syzygy of the Earth-Moon-Sun system. In astronomy, the term syzygy refers to the straight-line configuration of three celestial bodies. Another name is perigee Full Moon.
Moon picture by kasabubu.