Dear Mr D – here are some rules about women.

On By Katrina

Dear Mr D, what an enlightening conversation we had online the other day. I’m very happy that you took the time to explain to me how women need to cut men some slack. Testosterone certainly sounds like a real bastard! That bloody hormone, eh? It makes males horny and just want sex, so they can’t be blamed for doing shitty things in the pursuit of getting their end away. It makes sense now why they send degrading sex texts to women they barely know. Having a hard-on is a legitimate excuse for gross behaviour, you tell me, because having a hard-on is just so damn ….. well, hard.

It’s wonderful how we’re never too old to learn something new – like males can’t help what testosterone makes them do. Actually, that’s not new, but I thought that one was dead and buried, but seems like it was just me who thought that. So, there you go, I learned something new. Oh, and I learned how doing various types of unwanted shitty sex stuff to numerous women, and making the world an unsafe place for them was okay, because of the one in a million chance that one woman might be okay with it.

Then the “whatabouts” started. Here’s my advice about the whatabouts – forget about the whatabouts. We’ve all got a whatabout list as long as our arms. We could fire whatabouts at each until doomsday, and still not be finished.

I understand how the world’s a tough place for blokes who aren’t getting sex, and that women hold all the sex power, because that was another thing you told me. I get that you’re confused and angry because women won’t play the game according to your rules. So, to help you out a bit, I’ve put together a wee list of ‘rules’ about life, love, and women. It’s not comprehensive, and if you follow them I can’t guarantee you’ll get more sex, but at least you might not be as much of an arse. This is a good thing.

  • First, treat women like people – i.e with regular human respect.
  • Five minutes of treating them like people isn’t a long enough time to start bringing sex into it, whether or not you have a bad case of testosterone-rising. True, there are exceptions to this, but regardless, first treat women like people.
  • Whatever you think of a woman, or women, let your character be the decider of your behaviour, not your dick. Your good character is precious, treat it like a treasure. Your dick may be precious, too, but your good character says more about you.
  • Your erection is yours, it belongs to you. No-one else has to take responsibility for it. Nothing women do, wear, or say makes them responsible for your hard-on. It’s all yours.
  • Snogging is not automatically step one to sex, no matter how heavy-duty it gets. Snogging is just snogging. Sex may follow, but it’s not a given.
  • Just because a woman does have sex with you doesn’t mean she actually wants to have sex with you. She may have felt uncomfortably pressured and possibly threatened, and then decided that it was just the safest way to get herself out of there as fast as possible. There could be unpleasant consequences to this afterwards.
  • You’re not entitled to a return on your investment – i.e. sex – if you spend money on a woman.
  • Don’t resort to sexual threats and name-calling as soon as you start having an argument with a woman. Whilst it’s intimidating, which is what it’s designed to be, it’s also pathetic that that’s all you’ve got.
  • Don’t power-game sex where it’s not wanted – catcalling, unasked-for dick pics, uninvited gross texts, rubbing up in clubs and public transport, rape – you know what I’m talking about. Power-gaming sex is for those who only feel strong when they believe that they’re disempowering someone else. Yeah, real tough.
  • Don’t speak to a woman on the street, or to any woman you don’t know, in a way that you wouldn’t like a man in prison speaking to you.
  • Did I mention that women are people? They are not obligated to be receptacles for your jizz. That’s called a condom. Learn the difference, and maybe women will like you for it.
  • Being a nice guy as a strategy for popularity seldom works. You don’t have to be perfect, just be a decent guy. That means being decent to yourself, too.
  • The rules of life and love seldom follow ‘the rules’. Just when you think you know the rules, someone breaks them. Don’t sulk for too long. When you’ve finished sulking, learn from it, even from the lousy stuff, then draw a line under it.
  • We’re all feckin confused – not just men about women, or vice versa – but try and rise above being an arse, anyway.

 

Header pic by Tamara Gore.

33 thoughts on “Dear Mr D – here are some rules about women.”

  1. Frances Sullivan

    Too many “…uncomfortably pressured…” times to count not to mention the rest. Well said. Maybe, if we (meaning ‘women’) are lucky, the dicks who are really assholes will read this and get it. But if not, even some decent blokes could do well with an occasional reminder.
    P.S. Would love to know more about what spurred this post on. I mean, I can guess, but I don’t like assuming stuff these days. Too much of that going on.

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    1. I used to think being “uncomfortably pressured” was normal when I was young. Jeez! How we get socialised, eh? This particular post was brought on by someone else posting about a gross text she got from a man with whom she only crossed paths once when he did some work for her. I engaged in some commentary with a bloke about it, who was of the opinion we shouldn’t be too hard on the (poor) man, because testosterone made being a man not easy. I didn’t stick with the commentary too long, because I don’t have enough time left in this world to encourage him to change his way of thinking 🙂

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      2. You will be pleased to know I am sharpening up my castration skills world wide now. 🙂 In the Uk at present. Having a wonderful time. Just spent a week in London arguing at two schools against using animals in human medical research in an open debate with the drug and government funded PR team from UAR for animal research. I was invited to speak for a charity called Animal Aid. It was fantastic.

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  4. A worthy list of truths that come straight from the heart, Katrina.
    I maintain that power-gaming for sex is the oldest profession and one that is still held in high regard by many men over many millennia who consider it a right of passage, “twenty minutes of action”, collaterals of war — the phrase “comfort women” comes to mind.
    arsehole with shit still sticking to it is as apt as it is accurate. I don’t understand women who wear a “You can grab my ***** ” T-shirt, but I *am* pleased to report that Juli Briskman won in yesterday’s election. 🙂

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    2. I confess to writing this particular blog-piece after getting riled up on someone else’s behalf. Arseholes with shit still sticking to them – that one came out of nowhere, but I’m quite proud of it, actually 🙂 – aren’t exclusively men, but as the power group, they wield the most damage when they do shitty stuff. And that’s why I believe that there are women who wear tee-shirts with “you can grab my *****” on them – it’s a much safer to be a pet of patriarchy, than an opponent. A pet relinquishes their autonomy to a master (or a mistress, but we’re talking specifically about patriarchy here), and in return they are looked after, and sometimes pampered. Women who don’t toe the line as much, don’t make very good pets – lol! Of course, I’m referring to women who voluntarily take on the role of pets, and not those whose lives are at risk if they don’t toe the line.

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      1. as the power group, they wield the most damage when they do shitty stuff.

        Historical “facts” are usually ahistorical delusions. The same empire commanded both the US and NZ. Indigenous peoples disappeared somehow by the millions, new names appeared on maps drawn by the occupiers and the indigenous were given stereotypical roles in history books, in sports franchises, and at tourist traps. Existing Reservations for “Indians” are now highly impoverished communities served by food deserts.
        Historical truths show up in footnotes and appendices. The takeaway is always “mistakes were made but ‘necessary’ somehow.” Somehow the darkest, deepest, widest crimes were committed by white males — not all, just 98%. So let’s get the magnifying glass out to place the blame on the 2%. And if you consider the 2% of the power brokers who control 98% of any given pie?

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  5. The Maori in NZ didn’t suffer as badly as the Australian Aborigines or American Indigenous people, which is not to say that they did okay when they got colonised – far from it. I wonder if being in a small country – as in small in actual land size – helped? Perhaps people can collaborate better against oppressors when they don’t have such vast distances to cover in order to communicate, especially before the internet.

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    1. It appears that New Zealand is about the same size as the UK, and it looks like Australia and the US are roughly in the same league (square leagues?). For what it’s worth, prior to invading Poland German propagandists would compare the population density of Germany with the UK — conveniently including the entire Commonwealth while they were at it. 🙂

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      2. Thanks for the question, Katrina. Here ’tis:

        From an article on Goebbels’ propaganda techniques:

        “Goebbels made a timely discovery of the “clique of plutocrats” who ruled England and were intent on restricting Germany to its overcrowded territory in central Europe, thereby suppressing a nation that was in dire need of living space. England, a country with colonies around the globe, was attempting to deny the Reich its right to life and would try to starve Germany into subjection once more just as it did in the bleak days after World War I.” http://www.ou.edu/englhale/propaganda.html

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      3. Those things are not like with like. The British, for all their colonising faults have a long history of public duty to those less privileged, which admittedly is based on hierarchical, patriarchal ideas. But they have a long and establish history of free public lectures and debate from institutions like universities. Initially it was to educate the lower classes, but it’s grown on a bit from that now. The British may well be historical oppressors, but they also have a strong history of dissent and social change. Marx was inspired by the Manchester workers, and you just have to watch the film Made in Dagenham! The british celebrate their political dissenters as heroines. It is a culture which accepts dissent and difference is a required part of a good society. So in the UK I am seen as mild eccentric, but in NZ I got death threats for my views. It is not the same society, and and that is not to do with population.

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      4. Their public duty didn’t appear to extend to indigenous people, though.

        Seems like the UK is a much better ‘fit’ for you than here in NZ. Sadly, having a small population can also mean being more prone to small-mindedness, unfortunately. Are you in the UK for good, or for a visit?

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  6. Thanks, Bill – that was an interesting wee tidbit. Very cleverly worded propaganda against the English. They would have done their own propaganda as well, of course, but it sheds a bit of light on how the German people may have thought that invading Poland was justified.

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    1. Hmmm, I was in Germany in March, on the day that my city was the terrible subject of the most awful type of violence. At a post doc interview at one of the oldest universities in the world. Just to frame this, there were no women in the department, so I asked where the women were? “There are women here!” I was told, and they dragged some fraulien up from the basement who does archiving on minimal wage to show me they are “equal opportunity employers”.And as the professor walked me towards the gates of the university, there was a squadron of really appalling statues in the forecourt of what I can only describe as truly disgusting bestiality. A man raping a goose, in bronze, utterly repugnant to me. I was told to get over it. It was government approved so it must be morally OK. I was told I was the weird one, as the government knew what was best. Remind you of anything? Like the lead up to the second word war? And I got bollocked for wandering across the road without waiting for a green light on a pedestrian crossing, when there was no traffic on a tiny village lane, as all academics sign something to say they will support all government laws and directives or suffer immediate dismissal.
      Like the culture of blind obedience demanded by the state, not so different to the 1930s, and when I said as much, utter denial, and I got abused! But it is still there. That very odd belief and acceptance of state sanctioned oppressions of private freedoms which private citizens accept for personal gain. Nothing has really changed deep down.

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